16 November, 2009

Long Live King Hector

As some of you may know, an event is going to happen in 2012 that will bring global attention to Britain, our culture and way of life, and highlight British talent. I speak of course of the Olympics, and by extension the Paralympics. On the other hand, the same year will see an event that will highlight the anachronistic nature of our political system and attract global bemusement and head scratching: the Queen's Diamond Jubilee.
While I was pondering this over dinner*, it occurred to me that I was in the presence of a potential monarch: our hamster, Hector.

While Hector, being a hamster, will surely have limitations, I am sure Hector can deliver much more value for money than the current House of Windsor. Let's look at what the Queen does, from royal.gov.uk:

"As Head of State, The Monarch undertakes constitutional and representational duties which have developed over one thousand years of history. In addition to these State duties, The Monarch has a less formal role as 'Head of Nation'. The Sovereign acts as a focus for national identity, unity and pride; gives a sense of stability and continuity; officially recognises success and excellence; and supports the ideal of voluntary service."

Focus for national identity? Well, everyone loves hamsters, right? Just stick his cute, furry little head on our coinage and BAM! Instant unity. Yes, he may be a Syrian hamster, but our current Royals are German, so there's an element of continuity in rule by those of foreign descent. Hector frequently shows stability and continuity - I've never once heard him go back on something he's said before, and his personal interests vary very little (namely, eating Cheerios, chewing on cardboard, running in his ball and pretending to be a statue when you walk in the room). And he must support the ideal of voluntary service since he scrounges off me and the Mrs. constantly. At least he doesn't tax us, though.

"As Head of State, The Queen must remain politically neutral, since her Government will be formed from whichever party can command a majority in the House of Commons."

Excellent. Business as usual. Despite knowing Hector since not long after his birth, I still am none the wiser as to his political persuasion.

"While The Queen is 'fountain of honour' in the United Kingdom, honours are actually awarded on the advice of the Cabinet Office.
For this reason, honours nominations are handled not by Buckingham Palace but by the Honours and Appointments Secretariat, part of the Cabinet Office."

It just gets better and better, doesn't it? Now, obviously Hector couldn't give a Queen's Speech (he is male for starters) but this wouldn't be an impediment if the monarch was mute would it? Hmmm? Hmmmmm????

Plus, Hector is significantly more safe from terrorism - just pop his cage in a car and take him anywhere, no-one'd have a clue about his location! And as for palaces, well, last time we bought him a house he just chewed the ground floor up and started sleeping beside it. I'd like to see Charles Windsor pull that one off.

PS. Not convinced? Check out http://royalhamster.com/ - obviously this website was money well spent...

*Roast chicken from Morrison's deli counter if you must know.

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